How Do We Sabotage Ourselves?
Posted by Coach Darlene at 11/10/2007 9:37 PM 
Categories: Business Development, Leadership and Management, Personal Development
Categories: Business Development, Leadership and Management, Personal Development
There is a human tendency to want to blame others for our misfortunes. When we allow ourselves to dig deeper into these emotions, we may be surprised to learn that our situations are mostly of our own doing. That’s not something we want to face, or to admit, so it’s easier to keep finding other reasons (excuses) for what’s happening to us.
Here are two common ways we often sabotage ourselves:
Devaluing ourselves
Let’s say Mary has been very quietly and faithfully watching her caloric intake; and she’s managed to lose 15 pounds. Someone who hasn’t seen her in a couple of months is pleasantly surprised to see a thinner (and happier) Mary. When Mary receives a compliment about how good she looks, she dismisses it with, “I still have such a long way to go.” Or replies, “Yes, but, my thighs are too heavy.”
What just happened? Mary just minimized her success. She devalued the positive statement made to her. I used this example on purpose because this is something that women are often so guilty of. How many men do you know would reply with that statement (or similar: “Yes, but I’m bald”).
If I can make a generalization here, men are typically much better at receiving compliments than are women. No excuses or comebacks are necessary except, “Thanks.” Or, “I appreciate your noticing.”
When we minimize our successes, we send a message to others that we don’t value our own abilities or our own worthiness. When we discount another person’s compliment, we not only demonstrate this lack of self-worth, but we are also, in effect, telling the other person we have little or no regard for their abilities to judge, to notice and to give compliments.
If we are perfectionists, we have difficulty really appreciating our accomplishments. Let’s begin today by learning to give as well as to receive praise. Also, if we can change our “all or nothing” thinking to include milestones, it will be easier for us to acknowledge progress and to accept success along the way.
Shoulda’s and oughta’s
"I should’ve visited her before she died."
"I ought to finish my degree."
Do you catch yourself using these types of statements? When we slide into this way of thinking, we often get trapped in the "blame game." That is, we find ourselves blaming others for our present circumstances.
Getting caught in this trap brings on shame and guilt. When directed at ourselves, it might be an indicator that we are inflexible. Think about how you might have imposed one of these on yourself (or on someone else) recently.
In any case, it’s time to stop depicting yourself as a victim. Instead, begin to take responsibility for your actions (or inactions). How different does it feel when you throw away the "should have" or "ought to" thinking - and instead state what is: "I chose to do this_________." Sounds more powerful, doesn’t it?
If we’re in the practice of directing these types of statements toward another person ("You shouldn’t behave that way.") we set us all up for anger and resentment. What might be another way to word the advice you want to share without being judgmental or parental?
These are but two ways that people often sabotage themselves. In what ways do you sabotage your own progress and success? And now that you recognize it, how will you live differently today?
A coach can be a "mirror" for you as you discover actions and beliefs that you want to turn into more positive ways of being. If you’d like support on this road of discovery, I’d welcome the opportunity to journey with you.
Have a Golden Day!
Coach Darlene
This was an extraordinary entry! It is something that we often forget to remind ourselves about, even after the "oh yeah" light goes off! Great entry!
Dee
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